Finding Myself After Loss by Dulce Sillas

— Monday was leg day followed by Tuesday back day, etc., but it wasn’t always that way. I dropped down to 100 pounds at one point because that’s what mental health does. Some days you’re searching for the will to live, and other days you get up just to wish you were back in bed.

After losing someone I loved to the same exact illness, I struggled to cope with what life would be like after he was gone. I was angry, depressed, and more than anything, I was done with trying to find that light at the end of the tunnel. I sat there in my sadness, felt all the emotions I could possibly feel, and finally decided to take control of my life. Unfortunately, we often forget somewhere between all the emotions; we have survived so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We forget those dark days have to be felt so that we may appreciate the good ones even more.

I was always so adamant about not seeking help from a professional. How am I a “strong woman” if I can’t deal with these emotions alone? Nonetheless, I asked for help because maybe this wasn’t something I had to endure by myself. I had family and friends, who loved me unconditionally, but I needed professional help. Someone who didn’t know me and didn’t know my story. Someone who would listen to me without me feeling judged.

I came across an amazing therapist who, each week, helped me overcome all the fears I had. Each Zoom meeting helped me better understand that asking for help was acceptable after all. Asking for help wasn’t giving up, but only refusing to do so was. We don’t always have the answers as much as we overthink and replay the scenarios. Week after week, I continued therapy, and I finally found the peace I was seeking.

I had always found working out to be my therapy which included meal prepping all my meals weekly, drinking my gallon of water a day, and exercising even on the weekends. Living a healthy lifestyle isn’t always taking care of your physical health but also taking care of what’s inside. It is what is on the inside that most of us place on the sideline and keep going despite having to fake all the smiles. Finally, I found my balance and couldn’t be more proud of myself.

Finding my passion for CrossFit was probably the best thing for me. If you can push the mind, the body will follow. It takes pushing yourself past those uncertain days with only the hope that things will get better. It is taking control of your mind and remembering that everything happens for a reason. We might not always understand but still, trust in the process. It was like pushing past that workout at the gym that you thought you’d never be able to accomplish and coming out of the gym feeling like you can take on anything after finishing it.

I believe we have to stop telling ourselves things won’t get better, this is just what we deserve, or this is our destiny because those are lies our minds trick us into thinking to keep us from moving forward. We are in charge, capable and worthy of all the good things life has in store for us.

Seeking professional help isn’t for the weak, nor does it make us any less worthy. Seeking help means we know deep inside there’s someone who knows we can overcome anything, even when we don’t think there’s hope.

Resources:

The journey itself in finding self-love

Physical and mental self-care

Family and friends

Therapy

Crossfit

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline